He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
