Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
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