I puked a lego.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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