it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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