Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
