Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just puked most of my soul out..
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