she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Randomize
