I've blown a few things in my day
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't deserve a penis
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
PANTIES FOUND
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
