I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize