non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
