My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
