I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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