Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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