i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
