I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
MIDGETS
????
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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