Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize