note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
