Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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