is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
