just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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