I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
