I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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