I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
