i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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