I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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