I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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