if you like me you must not know who I am
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
