your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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