Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
