Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
