My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
