somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Someone signed my nipple.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
