In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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