So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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