she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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