you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize