He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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