You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
