I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
