How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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