Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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