There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
this is an emotional support booty call
Enjoy the penises
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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