There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
