I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
