I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
