Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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