3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
