Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
We need to get me chipped asap
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
