I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
