i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
