You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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