It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
