piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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