So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize