very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize