Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
