did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
