I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
