im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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