John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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