i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
