Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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